To: +All People in New York
Subject: AWWMB Seeks AWLS
Dear Whoever You Are:
I’ve already been rejected in every major city so I decided to try yours. Yeah, I know I’m not your type but I figured, what the hell? You can’t suck any more than the others who have dumped and/or taken out restraining orders against me. And for the record, I was not hiding in that planter on 5th. I lost my contact just like I told the officer. Whatever. Even if I didn’t, I know you hang with that loser who I completely dissed on my blog last week so your standards aren’t exactly high.
Before you respond (which I know you’re already desperate to do!), I should tell you that I’m in this for the money. As soon as I make a ga-billion dollars, I won’t need you anymore. I’ll be so famous Oprah will want to start her show again. And that sparkly guy who doesn’t wash his hair will be just begging to make a movie with me.
I’m not going to bother to tell you anything else since I’ve attached a 400,000 word synopsis of everything I’ve ever done. You don’t need to read it right now. I showed it to my third-grade teacher and she said it was very special and she would know because she once taught a guy whose brother made a killing on something once. Or was it that he killed someone? Whatever.
You have five minutes to answer this or I’m writing a blog post about why you suck. And I’ll even call Oprah too. Not like she has anything else to do after next week.